iPods, Not Eyes, Are The Window To The Soul

Right so you're out at a party. It's not that good a party though, as in free food but not beer, only half decent clunge:cock ratio, and the music playlist consists of only three songs, two of which are sung by Black Eyed Peas, and they're not even their old, half-decent stuff. So, logically, you get to work one of the few girls at the party who isn't taken or face down in vomit...yet, and thus begins the long and laborious process of screening the potential mate for any hazards forward slash mental instability. We all know what to look for; clingy tendencies; annoying laughs; mind-numbingly boring personalities; oral herpes; etc. However, in the glorious age of today where practically everyone owns an iPod, all this effort can now be compacted into a quick scanning of an mp3 player. I will now walk you through an easy, step-by-step guide to identifying the signs that tell you when you should allow biology to run its course, when you should consider the consequences of running this particular course, and when you should whip around and never look back.

:::::Sorting - Have they arranged their music in a logical, organised fashion? This isn't that important in the case of a one-night wham-bam-thank-you-mam scenario, but I know that, personally, I could never love a girl who has 7 songs under Arctic Monkeys and then 2 under artic monkeys. Grammar is free, fucking go get some.

:::::Albums/Singles? - If they only have the big hits by Bloc Party and Crystal Castles, then they're mindless trend-following drones. This is the case for most teenagers, so if, on the other hand, they have every Chemical Brothers album with the correct album art, then there's a good chance they'll actually be able to conduct a semi-lengthy conversation.

:::::Top 25 Most Played - This one's dead easy; if Akon or Taylor Swift feature in any way prominently, then simply shout "OMG A YELLOW BANANA!" and point the other way, then use the 45 second window to finish your drink, place it on the table, and casually walk away; if there's a non-single Radiohead song, or anything by The Strokes, then begin considering any and all techniques to try to get into this girls pants.

:::::Remix Junkie? - Think of this one like so; you wouldn't stick you're finger in a pie whose contents had been unofficially tampered with by random computer nerds, so why would you stick your finger in a girl whose iPod is full of perfectly good piesongs which have been unofficially tampered with by random computer nerds? Yehyeh, sometimes the computer nerds enhance the pie by adding stronger basses or kickass electro aspects which the pie previosuly lacked, but more often or not, they just stuck their finger in and messed things around.

:::::Bogey Bands - La Roux, JLS, Chipmunk, Take That... if any of these, or similarly terrible bands, feature in their artists, then you may want to seriously consider the very strong possibility that any lengthy period of time spent around them may cause some of this god-awful music taste to rub off on you. First you'll just be humming along to the painfully boring Underdog, but before you know you'll be downloading their graciously brief back catalog of equally dull tracks.

:::::Vital Bands - There are some bands that we simply assume will be on every iPod; Muse, Prodigy, Daft Punk etc, but there is always the possibility that the person you are dealing with isn't like normal people. If they don't even have the basic necessities for musical appreciation, namely Breathe, Aerodynamic, any Muse song (apart from Supermassive Black Holes, not that it's not assome, just it's highly likely they only have it because it was in Twilight), then they obviously have something seriously wrong, and you should alert the authorities immediately, don't assume someone else will.


Once you've followed these simple checks, you should be able to assert whether or not it is safe to proceed with your endeavors to acquire any form of sexual activity. And always remember "Be Safe, Check For X Factor Contestants"

The 10 Albums Of 2009 You Simply Must Download Illegally:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: No. 10 = The Joy Formidable - A Balloon Called Moaning

_____Ok so let’s get the esoteric one out of the way first, shall we? Stumbled upon this gang whilst YouTubing bands from the Leeds poster, and I eventually found them hidden amongst the numerous bands that NME had been sucking off for the past year in the hopes that one of ‘em made it on the Festival Republic Stage. As a hetrosexual male, their clever set-up of a lead semi-attractive, but not too attractive as to draw attention away from the music, girl with two dudes providing the testosterone and musical ability immediately appealed to me. La musique, as it happened, was also quite to my liking.



_____I didn’t actually end up seeing them at Leeds, despite having loved their album and having jerked off on two occasions to the lead singer, the beautiful Ritzy Bryan.. Ok she’s not THAT beautiful, but the latest edition of Photoshop is just one of the many amazing abilities of the human mind. See they were following The xx, and they had the oddest effect on me of making me just want to go back to my tent, have a drink, and light myself on fire.

_____The album contains a fair few top notch tunes, most notably singles Cradle, and Austere, the latter of which you simply must check out the accompanying video, banned form YouTube, on their website, but their strongest performances come in the forms of The Greatest Light Is The Greatest Shade, and Greyhound In The Slips, the latter not technically on the original album release, but I lashed it on there on my iTunes cause it simply adds trucks to the thoroughly enjoyable listening experience that is The Joy Formidable’s debut album, A Balloon Called Moaning.



I’ll leave you with their latest free festive download release. See, this band ticks all the boxes; girls; rock music; Christmas.



http://rapidshare.com/files/243192414/tjf.rar

The 10 Albums Of 2009 You Simply Must Download Illegally:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: No. 9 = The Big Pink - A Brief History Of Love

_____Another band who’s hole has been licked thoroughly by NME, but I swear, this isn’t a pattern emerging. Although, it must be said, NME got it right this time. There an electro-rock duo from London, best described as a slightly harsher version of Klaxons. A Brief History Of Love is their debut album also, and straight away was a big hit amongst annoying indie-kids everywhere, with pre-album releases Velvet and Too Young To Love having got numerous plays at only the most alternative of nightclubs across the UK.



_____The album didn’t come out until September, but by that stage they had already attracted huge media attention, with a brownnosed NME awarding them a high place in their Future 50 helping them to pack out their stage at Reading with some of the trendiest teenagers on the planet AND some normal people too. Things were looking pretty good for The Big Pink. And then, Dominos.



_____This is probably the closest runner-up to my song of the year, narrowly missing out to an sexually arousing Simian stunner you’ll hear about later. The majority of you have probably already heard it, either on Phantom FM for the cooler kids among you, on the Xbox Live ad, or from numerous other dangerously mainstream music providers. I even caught it playing on Smash Hits! once or twice. Nah, only kidding, but it did achieve a #27 spot on the UK Singles Chart, highlighting the extent of the album’s success. I can tell you, the indie kids were not happy about the Chart appearance, as this inevitably meant they had to stop liking them with immediate effect. At least they still have La Roux. Oh wait…

_____A record deal, a well solid album, and an amazing single, 2009 was pretty good to The Big Pink, yet things got better when they were announced as support for Muse’s UK tour, making them even awesomer by association. Yet, one can’t help but sense that the future will be slightly disappointing for the London duo, as who knows if they’ll ever get the chance to see Matt Belamy so close-up again…

The 10 Albums Of 2009 You Simply Must Download Illegally:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: No. 8 = Weezer - Raditude

_____I was weirdly excited in the run-up to this album’s release. It was weird because I used not to be that big a fan of them. Sure, I liked Buddy Holly and Island in the Sun as much as the next guy, but that was as far as it went really. Make Believe probably should have done something for me in hindsight, as it’s a really nice record, but it just didn’t. The Weezer fire simply didn’t burn in me. The potential was there, as, apart from Maladroit, every album of theirs really rocks., just no spark. However, once more YouTube to the rescue. Spark.



_____First single from The Red Album is in my opinion their most underrated song by a mile. The whole album is underrated. My four favourite Weezer songs come from that album, which sparked the Weezer inferno which burns in me to this day. So yeah, I was really weirdly excited about Raditude. First impressions were also weird. Raditude doesn’t sound like the Weezer of the past. There’s glimpses of the golden days in Put Me Back Together, but personal favourites Let It All Hang Out and I’m Your Daddy, are très different to what you’re used to. And you can’t say anyone could picture Lil Wayne featuring on a Weezer album before could you? Unfortunately, Chamillionaire had to fill in for him on this slightly different recording, Lil Wayne was busy getting arrested for carrying around a BB Gun.



_____Although it does drag on a tiny tiny bit, the albums a must listen for anyone who considered themselves at any point a Weezer fan. It hasn’t blasted them back onto the scene or anything near it, but that’s party due to the criminality that Weezer haven’t played in Europe for almost five years. They’re coming though, strong rumours for Reading and Leeds (just one of many reasons why you should go there instead of Oxegen next summer), and, with this album added to an already impressive repertoire, you can bet they’ll be making some pretty kickass noise.

The 10 Albums Of 2009 You Simply Must Download Illegally:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: No. 7 = 30 Seconds To Mars - This Is War

_____Yup, 30 Seconds To Mars. I’d call ‘em a guilty pleasure of mine, only I don’t feel guilty in the slightest. I looooove them. Not the first album though, bit too black hair dye and white make-up for me. They didn’t actually lose any of that for A Beautiful Lie, but the music was much better. The drummer still really creeps me out though? But yeah, The Kill is still my favourite loud song. You can’t listen to 30 Seconds To Mars not loud by the way. It’s weird, it just doesn’t work otherwise. One of the mysteries of the universe.



_____Although I still wouldn’t introduce them to my mum, the new album comes from a slightly less emo-looking Jared Leto and company, and it’s most certainly their best yet. Introduction track Escape does its job in introducing us to This Is War in spectacular fashion, I know intros are usually annoying and pointless, and although it is still pointless, this one sounds cool. The rest of the album follows suit, in presenting a sharper, more passionate sound than the previous records, from opening belter Night of the Hunter right through to title track This Is War and the epic Vox Populi. The band also sidestepped a disaster of humongous proportions in the form of Kanye West, who collaborated with them on the original version of Hurricane, but the albums dignity was saved as that version thankfully didn’t make it onto the album.



_____The album looks set to be their most successful yet, judging by the positive reactions that debut single Kings & Queens has been receiving. This Is War brings a fresher, livelier, cooler 30 STM, I mean, Jared’s riding a fixie in the video, it MUST be cool. On the topic of the video, I purposely did not provide a download link below, because, as you can see, Jared Leto has not lost his addiction to blowing any profits the band makes on ridiculous, over-the-top, expensive videos, and so actually needs all the money he can get.

The 10 Albums Of 2009 You Simply Must Download Illegally:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: No. 6 = Metric - Fantasies

_____Chances are a fair few of you haven’t heard of Metric. But you’ve all heard of Yeah Yeah Yeahs. This doesn’t make any sense to me, because an awful lot of the two’s works are very similar. Only Metric are better. So why then, I hear you ask, have YYYs had so much more success? The answer is simple. Metric, by what only can be described as poor fortune, are from Canada. In fact, if there is a song of there’s you might have heard, it’s Monster Hospital, and it’s only because MSTRKRFT did a killer remix of it.



_____Offering a slightly darker, heavier sound than Karen O and her gang, Fantasies is definitely Metric’s best to date. Help I’m Alive was my initial favourite, but by now I’ve changed my mind more times than Tiger Woods has had sex with women outside of his marriage. I’ve currently settled on the hard-hitting Stadium, but the beautifully soft Collect Call is likely to overtake that anytime around now.



_____Emily Haines and the band provided the first set of the weekend for me at Leeds last summer, and boy it was a good one. A lot more memorable than Yeah Yeah Yeahs’ one that’s for sure, yet still, for some reason I cannot understand, that crow nosed singer and proportionally incorrect guitarist from New York seem to snatch the spoils of the “girl singer in an indie rock band” genre time and time again. Guess Metric will just have to do all they can do, release yet another superior album, and hope the people eventually see sense.

http://www.mediafire.com/?y0gmtzndhjy

The 10 Albums Of 2009 You Simply Must Download Illegally:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: No. 5 = Simian Mobile Disco - Temporary Pleasure

_____James Ford is a musical genius. He was the mastermind behind Arctics’ second and third albums, Klaxon’s Mercury winning Myths of the Near Future, Mystery Jets’ Making Dens, and most recently the beautiful Florence & The Machine’s Lungs to name but a few. And when he’s not producing platinum selling records, he’s also one half of Simian Mobile Disco, a DJ’ing duo who also release the occasional jaw-dropping record, such as Attack Decay Sustain Release in 2007, which contained proper fit hits such as I Got This Down, Tits & Acid, and the magnificent Hustler, which just so happens to also be possibly the best music video ever made.



_____So two years went by with not much from the Simian machine, with it only sputtering out the odd remix or single, including the god-awful Run for Nike. Then in 2009, in jumped back into life, churning out Temporary Pleasure, a record full to the brim with impressive guest vocalists including Beth Ditto, Chris Keating, and Alexis Taylor, and overflowing with electrifying tracks such as Off The Map and Synthesise. The really cool thing about this album is that on each guest vocalists’ track, you can actually hear their influence. Bad Blood could not be more Hot Chip. But the overall feel of the album isn’t diluted despite the small crowd’s worth of people that contributed to it, meaning this could be nothing but the fantastic return to form for Simian Mobile Disco. Oh yeah, and there’s that song of the year on there too.



_____“I got that grape kool-aid filled swimming pool…” Even the ignorant among you who don’t like SMD couldn’t not love that song. And for the educated people who liked ADST, you’re going to love Temporary Pleasure. It’s a more fun, more hip SMD than what we’ve heard before, and they were pretty goddamn hip before. And don’t worry, the tracks on there that are 100% Simian are a fabulous flashback to the Sleep Deprivation days. Who knows what James will do next. He could produce another chart-topping album, or decide to grace us with another SMD release. Either way, you know anything this guy touches will be gold.

http://www.mediafire.com/?ynmhin2mjcj

The 10 Albums Of 2009 You Simply Must Download Illegally:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: No. 4 = Biffy Clyro - Only Revolutions

_____The scruffy beard has been given the chop to leave a cleaner, yet still rugged face of Biffy Clyro. Lead Simon Neil’s facial reformation is actually a good metaphor for the latest instalment from the Scottish rockers. Following a hugely successful Puzzle in 2007, Biffy Clyro have tightened up their act. That’s not to say they’ve lost any of the hardcore raging passion which has seen them rise from an underground cult following to the chart-crashing (Mountains reached No.5 in the UK Singles Chart) rock sensation they are today. Oh no, that shit’s still there, and looking trendier than ever, may I say, in their flashy red jeans.



_____Only Revolutions is going to agree with a much wider audience than previous records, a process often incorrectly attached to the term “selling out”, but this could not be further from the truth. Kings Of Leon have lost touch with what they used to be, blinded by the success thrown at them following Gay Sex On Fire and Child Abuse Somebody, but Biffy Clyro are different in that they still hold the same influences and beliefs that inspired Blackened Sky dear to them to this day, their lyrics still mean something, and they still perform each and every song with the uttermost passion at each and every gig. For this reason, Biffy Clyro are an absolute must-see at next summer’s Reading and Leeds Festivals, and maybe Oxegen if you’re lucky. I promise you, you will jump and scream during the wonderfully loud Shock Shock, and you will hold up your lighters and cry during the truly emotional Many Of Horror.



_____It’s a majestic album, made with the intention to please the thousands upon thousands of festival go-ers they will surely attract this summer. No more perfect an example of this comes in the form of opening track The Captain, a song crying out to be blared from festival stages across Europe. Oh, and the guitar solo from Bubbles was written by Josh Homme by the way, in case you still needed convincing that you simply must get this album.. Only Revolutions is the final stage in the transformation of Biffy Clyro into the best hard rock band this side of the Atlantic, and while I imagine many of you will disagree with me on that point, I know you won’t when you see them this summer. Mon the Biffy!

http://rapidshare.com/files/309563185/Biffy_Clyro_-_Only_Revolutions.rar

The 10 Albums Of 2009 You Simply Must Download Illegally:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: No. 3 = Them Crooked Vultures - Them Crooked Vultures

_____This speaks for itself really. There’s not all that much I can say about this album. Because any of you with even slightly rock-orientated of music tastes have already heard this album. And for the chart monkeys, this album, unfortunately, isn’t going to do whack for you. It is what it is. A ridiculous supergroup comprising of Dave Grohl, Josh Homme, and John Paul Jones. Making music like this.



_____Them Crooked Vultures pose quite a conundrum for the music community in that technically speaking, they suck. Logically, they must do, because it’s a supergroup. Golden rule of supergroups is that they absolutely must suck. Unfortunately, Them Crooked Vultures is to rock fans what glue is to a four year old. They’re against the rules, you’re not supposed to want to like them, but, upon indulgence, they are fucking divine. The high isn’t quite as good though, but it’s close.

_____I’m now going to present the main article for the prosecution in the case of “Oxegen sucks and you should all be going to Leeds”. Last summer, these guys were there. Set opener Elephants set the pace for what would have been my favourite set of the weekend had I not OD’d on pure awesome music halfway through personal favourite Scumbag Blues.



_____Unfortunately, it looks like TCV are going to be scooped up by Glastonbury this summer, and will only make a few other appearances around Europe, but sure, you can always just plug in your iPod during Kasabian’s lacklustre headline set and pretend it’s the real deal. New album is on the way, and you can bet your hole it’ll be on this list next Christmas, assuming Santa brings me the TCV album for 2010 that I so desperately requested.

http://rapidshare.com/files/306271408/Them_Crooked_Vultures-Them_Crooked_Vultures-2009-Choogly.com.rar

The 10 Albums Of 2009 You Simply Must Download Illegally:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: No. 2 = White Lies - To Lose My Life

_____This is a sad band. Not, like, queer sad, but, like, definitely not happy sad. You just know these guys were losers at school. Not bullied though, no, people felt too bad for them. They have never been sighted in any colour other than black, and when asked what is favourite colour was apart from the slimmingly stylish black, lead Harry McVeigh solemnly responded “very very dark blue”. The guitarist is so sad, he can’t even talk. However, what emerged from this cloud of gloom and despair in early 2008, was a most-possibly-the-greatest-song-of-the-year shaped light. In often the only words that leave Harry’s lips in between songs during their live sets, “This, ladies and gentleman, is Death”.



_____White Lies’ most recognised single, the official video for which has embedding disabled because they're alternative like that, now has over 1 million hits on YouTube, a milestone that has, on occasion, given reason for a smile from Harry and the Glumberries. Every single one of those hits is thoroughly deserved though, unlike Jason Derulo’s Whatcha Say (how the fuck did over 20 million people click to bear aural witness to the butchering of such a beautiful song?), as these guys truly are something special.

_____Lyrically they are the most beautiful band I have ever encountered. The first song of theirs I heard was a pre-album version of Unfinished Business, immediately encapsulating me with its delicate organ and powerful opening line “Just give me a second, darling, to clear my head”. I actually went out and bought the album on the day of its release, something which highlights just how highly I appreciate the noise this band is making. Every single song on this album has a wonderfully authentic feel to it, you can tell the lyrics actually mean something. Forgive me if I’m sounding slightly homosexual but I mean, “You whispered “Where are you?”, I questioned your doubt, but soon realised you were talking to God now”, if that doesn’t do something for you then you must have no soul. Each track is essentially poetry put to music. Watch the video below, and tell me if you can think of any other band where you could similarly speak their lyrics over it’s music, and they would not lose an ounce of their meaning.



_____I’ve had the pleasure of seeing White Lies twice at this stage, and I plan on seeing them many more times in the future, because both times they have provided a more intimate gig experience than I have ever felt before. I wouldn’t even call their latest performance at The Academy a gig, because it was so much more than that. Last summer many of you were tricked into thinking you went to see a Coldplay concert in Phoenix park, when in reality, it was just a ploy to gather those of you who were satanic enough to pay fifty euro to see the horror show that has become Coldplay of recent years so that you may have your soul cleansed by Harry McVeigh’s majestic baritone.

_____There’s no other band like White Lies. That’s what makes them so special. Their authenticity, their meaning, their aura. When they come on stage, the crowd initially cheers, but most peculiarly it hushes down, almost so commanded by the band’s eerie presence. I haven’t heard music so touching as that of White Lies' debut album, To Lose My Life, since Radiohead’s Kid A. And yes, I did just compare them to Radiohead, because I’m going to go out on a limb and say in 10 years time this album will be their Pablo Honey, Death their Creep. You’ll laugh at me for saying that now, but nobody can deny that these are not like other bands. They’re so fucking special.

_____I’ll leave you with the album version of the song that has become for me the most powerful piece of modern music I’ve ever heard, and with news that you can look forward to The Bends sometime next year, as the band have already started penning their second album whilst on tour, as touring is boring to them. Yes, they’re definitely not like other bands.

http://www.mediafire.com/?4zwngqi4zmm

The 10 Albums Of 2009 You Simply Must Download Illegally:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: No. 1 = The Prodigy - Invaders Must Die

_____When I first drafted this list, Invaders Must Die sat precariously at No. 10. The reason for this was the album only barely exceeded my expectations of it, and it didn’t blow my brains out when I first listened to it. Then, as I listened to it before writing what I expected to be a brief mediocre review of the English electronic trio’s fifth studio album, my brains hit the wall. Splatttttttt.



_____So as the last track, admittedly a relatively weak Stand Up drew to a close, and as I began to scrape my thoughts off the wall of the surrounding area, I asked myself what the fuck had just happened. I was stumped for a while, and too afraid to queue the album for a second time. Then I remembered. How could I have been so silly, so careless… I guess it had been a while since I listened to anything by The Prodigy, let alone this particular record… But regardless of the cause, the reason for this short-circuiting of my awesome receptors was, of course, the fact that I had forgotten to put on my mental safety helmet before clicking play on that insane opening and title track. Duhhhh.

_____ For, while not everyone may realize it, anyone who has any experience of The Prodigy has actually developed an automatic reflex of mentally preparing themselves before listening to these epic sounds. I prefer not to call it music, by the way, it’s shameful that anybody could term what these guys are making in the same fashion that one does the repetitive drivel of the In For The Self-Kill. That was why The Prodigy did not initially come to mind as the greatest album of 2009, because I had only ever listened to them with my automatic kickass-limiter in place ever since that unforgettable day years ago when the most insane, the most electric, the most drug-simulating sound first invaded my brain before self-destructing in the most explosive of fashions.



_____However, after a sinfully long absence from indulging in the produce of Liam Howlett’s Christ-like Trinity, inferior electronic drum ’n bass music had clogged up my system, causing the automatic limiter to jam. As the pressure continued to build on my awesome receptors as Omen kicked into gear, my receptors became increasingly strained, until, eventually, at some point during the grossly underrated Thunder, they gave way, releasing the energy in the form of a seismic sensation rating a disgusting 14 trillion on the Richter scale. This is ultimately why there are so many casualties at their live performance, as the consumption of hard drugs and copious amounts of alcohol loosed the natural limiter, which, if it were to snap during this, in my opinion, the best track on this record, could result in instant death, COD awesome overdose.



_____Much like my first mind-blowing, this incident had a pretty deep effect on me as a music-enthusiast and as a human being, and so I immediately bumped this record up to its rightful place above them all. Geography puns and medical metaphors aside though, this album really is deserving of the credit I’m giving it. Most of you will have the singles already, I pity those of you that don’t even have that much, but you simply can’t afford to miss this album. Missing the majority of their set for the relatively energetically nonsensical White Lies is the sole greatest regret of my life, and mark my words the only way you will see me anywhere near Oxegen next summer, is if Maxim sees us fitting for their awesome presence. I’d give my left, right, and hypothetical third nut to be front row for such divine noise.

http://www.mediafire.com/?nmtniyytmwy

Marmaduke Duke - Duke Pandemonium

The second installment from the slightly ridiculous side project of Simon Neil of Biffy Clyro and JP Reid of Sucioperro. Two guys I wouldn't usually describe as groovy, but together, dear Lord they'd make a nodding Jesus figurine look quite un-groovy. So as you can imagine, these guys are extremely groovy. They make about as much sense as a nodding Jesus figurine too, i.e. not a lot at all. But, much like the overly-agreeing Christian guy, they can fascinate you for hours on end. They're live shows are supposed to be just as inspiring as his too, only while he preached claiming to be the Son of God, they wear gimp masks and have the Duke. I can't really explain the Duke. It's quite odd actually, the idea of some guy in costume dancing around on stage, contributing absolutely nothing musically to a musical performance, yet, it's really fun.

That really is the only word to describe what these Scots are after doing. They've taken a break from their more serious musical commitments, and used their hard-earned musical reputations to have a bit of a mess. The music that came from it, some of it's good, some of it's not great, and the rest of it's also not great, but fricking fantastic. The jumpy bouncy happy Silhouettes makes it impossible for even the stiffest of dance floor inhabitants to stand still. Equally rhythmically invigorating is the outstanding opening riff of Pandemonium. The song on the whole is certainly one of the strongest, if not a bit stretched out. Singles Kid Gloves, and Rubber Lover are both fun and catchy, true to the album's trend, but what the album does lack is a real flagship single. Even now I'm struggling to think of my favourite song off what actually is a fantastic album, and I can't make my mind up. They're all good, some really really good; Je Suis Un Funky Homme, if I had to choose, probably my current favourite, but that's likely to change more often than Lady Gaga's female validity.

However, I guess it's hardly a bad thing that no one song is more genius than any of the others. In fact, I'd say that's probably the charm of MD - they haven't gone out to write a chart-topping single, or a bangin' summer anthem, they've just had a bit of fun writing an album that is different to what they've become famous for writing. It couldn't be helped that their genius rubbed off on it eh? With Simon now back with a new album from BC, and soon to start a tour with them, I'm afraid to say that the Duke is likely to be put back in the attic for a year or so. Unless, of course, that Simon can somehow manage to be in two places at once. Not likely, but I wouldn't put it past him, Il Est Un Extremely Funky Homme. 8/10

Muse - The Resistance

So how excited were you? Ya know, when you heard Muse were releasing their fifth studio album on the 14th of September 2009? Then, how confused were you when you first heard the slightly odd United States of Eurasia? Then, how reassured were you when you remembered it was Matt Bellamy singing and playing guitar, often at the same time, with Chris Wolstenholme on bass and, also curiously at-the-same-time, contributing backing vocals, while Dom Howard played drums, and concluded that it obviously worked and you just hadn't figured it out yet? Excitement, confusion, ridiculous amounts of awe, all instilled by, realistically one of the weaker songs on this album. I changed the last one btw, because reassurance doesn't last long. The ridiculous amounts of awe set in pretty quickly once you figure it out. Even if you don't, just take my word for it. You could just listen to the album again and again until you figured it out for yourself, and you would, but I almost KO'ed in ecstasy during the lyrically orgasmic Undisclosed Desires the first two times I tried, so for those of you who suffer from heart problems, back pains, or got knocked up over the summer, yous best stick to Kasabian's latest for now. It's called something really long, so I'm not going to bother typing it out.

Honesty time though. I'm kinda biased. I was always going to give this album a 10/10. I dunno, it'd just be weird if I didn't. It's kinda like, when you're out on the lash, so on the lash you're almost on the floor, and you're at that stage where even that freaky ass girl with the gammy eye that's trying to give you the one good eye she has is looking pretty pretty fucking hot. Except you're the girl with the gammy eye, and you're trying to eye up Muse's new album, only you've got a gammy eye so you haven't got a fucking clue what he looks like, but you've hardly got standards when it comes to Muse, you've got a gammy eye for 'em, so you're going to think he's amazing regardless. Only, as mentioned, Muse went pretty all out this time, so, when they give it to you regardless of your gammy eye, of course, even by non-gammy-eyed standards, it's out of this world.

It is amazing. Call it different if you want, but this is exactly what was expected of the Devon homerockers. They could have gone and just written a follow-up to Black Holes & Revelations, and even if they had, it probably also would have kicked numerous asses, but that's just a bit...boring? Matt and Co. have clearly already mastered how to write award winning albums, now they're moving onto bigger things; global conspiracies, symphonies, Matt even sings French in one of the songs. The fact that such a fantastic album came out while they're at it? Oh-so Muse. Unnatural Selection is the most beautiful possible flashback to their Origin of Symmetry days, while how far they've come is almost arrogantly shoved in your face through the inspiring 3-part, Exogenesis. But the real gem of this album comes in the form of MK Ultra. Aaaaaaaarrghgughhgudhjbskjhidhjiii1ii1i11i. Listen to it, and you'll understand why I made that noise. Almost every song on this album could be single-material. I would say every song, only one can't help get the sense that Guiding Light is a bit lacking. It's not that it's bad, just you can't help but feel a little disappointed when it comes on, in that it's the one flaw in an otherwise flawless masterpiece. But then MK Ultra comes on again and Aaaaaaaarrghgugh...

I could go on and on praising this album, but at the end of the day, it all comes down the what this album ultimately means for people, and, for once when it comes to Muse, it's really quite simple. Those who are gammy-eyed for Muse get the best thing that ever happened to them. And those that aren't gammy-eyed for Muse? Because, yes, they do exist. There are many out there who weren't excited when they heard there was a Muse album on the horizon. Who weren't gobsmacked by the awesome Uprising, because they didn't hear it. What happens to them? Well, they're just going to keep hearing about the girl who got laid by the best album of 2009 so far, because fuck me if I'm ever going to stop shouting about it. 10/10