Right so you're out at a party. It's not that good a party though, as in free food but not beer, only half decent clunge:cock ratio, and the music playlist consists of only three songs, two of which are sung by Black Eyed Peas, and they're not even their old, half-decent stuff. So, logically, you get to work one of the few girls at the party who isn't taken or face down in vomit...yet, and thus begins the long and laborious process of screening the potential mate for any hazards forward slash mental instability. We all know what to look for; clingy tendencies; annoying laughs; mind-numbingly boring personalities; oral herpes; etc. However, in the glorious age of today where practically everyone owns an iPod, all this effort can now be compacted into a quick scanning of an mp3 player. I will now walk you through an easy, step-by-step guide to identifying the signs that tell you when you should allow biology to run its course, when you should consider the consequences of running this particular course, and when you should whip around and never look back.
:::::Sorting - Have they arranged their music in a logical, organised fashion? This isn't that important in the case of a one-night wham-bam-thank-you-mam scenario, but I know that, personally, I could never love a girl who has 7 songs under Arctic Monkeys and then 2 under artic monkeys. Grammar is free, fucking go get some.
:::::Albums/Singles? - If they only have the big hits by Bloc Party and Crystal Castles, then they're mindless trend-following drones. This is the case for most teenagers, so if, on the other hand, they have every Chemical Brothers album with the correct album art, then there's a good chance they'll actually be able to conduct a semi-lengthy conversation.
:::::Top 25 Most Played - This one's dead easy; if Akon or Taylor Swift feature in any way prominently, then simply shout "OMG A YELLOW BANANA!" and point the other way, then use the 45 second window to finish your drink, place it on the table, and casually walk away; if there's a non-single Radiohead song, or anything by The Strokes, then begin considering any and all techniques to try to get into this girls pants.
:::::Remix Junkie? - Think of this one like so; you wouldn't stick you're finger in a pie whose contents had been unofficially tampered with by random computer nerds, so why would you stick your finger in a girl whose iPod is full of perfectly good piesongs which have been unofficially tampered with by random computer nerds? Yehyeh, sometimes the computer nerds enhance the pie by adding stronger basses or kickass electro aspects which the pie previosuly lacked, but more often or not, they just stuck their finger in and messed things around.
:::::Bogey Bands - La Roux, JLS, Chipmunk, Take That... if any of these, or similarly terrible bands, feature in their artists, then you may want to seriously consider the very strong possibility that any lengthy period of time spent around them may cause some of this god-awful music taste to rub off on you. First you'll just be humming along to the painfully boring Underdog, but before you know you'll be downloading their graciously brief back catalog of equally dull tracks.
:::::Vital Bands - There are some bands that we simply assume will be on every iPod; Muse, Prodigy, Daft Punk etc, but there is always the possibility that the person you are dealing with isn't like normal people. If they don't even have the basic necessities for musical appreciation, namely Breathe, Aerodynamic, any Muse song (apart from Supermassive Black Holes, not that it's not assome, just it's highly likely they only have it because it was in Twilight), then they obviously have something seriously wrong, and you should alert the authorities immediately, don't assume someone else will.
Once you've followed these simple checks, you should be able to assert whether or not it is safe to proceed with your endeavors to acquire any form of sexual activity. And always remember "Be Safe, Check For X Factor Contestants"
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